I just passed my 1st Med-Surg exam!  I was extremely worried about it, although not worried enough to put more study time into it!  I spent only a short time last night studying for my exam.  I haven't had the motivation to do anything more than attend classes and clinicals.  My paperwork and studying have been suffering, but I passed with a 78% (75% is passing).  Now that I got that scare out of the way, I can buckle down and start over from here.

  I wish I wasn't such a procrastinator.  I now have a bunch of clinical paperwork due by tomorrow morning and I have known about it all week.  I hate feeling rushed and overwhelmed, yet I can't convince myself to do the work ahead of time.  I come up with all these ideas of when I could be studying or doing paperwork, but when the time rolls around it no longer seems like such a good idea.....there's always tomorrow......until today comes and it's now or never.....and although it would be soooo easy to just say forget it, i guess it's never; I refuse to fail out due to a minor technicality like that.  So, I guess I go to my night class, come home, and stay up until it's finished.  It shouldn't take more than a few hours, it's just the actual sitting down and doing it that I struggle with.

 

  The last appointment I had showed that everything is developing as it should.  The heart rate was 179 on Wednesday.  I am very relieved after seeing that things were alright.

  Not much is new here....school has started and I am just getting used to how things will go this semester.  So far, things look alright, although for some reason, I am ready to throw in the towel and take a break from school.  I realize that this is not the most realistic thing for me to do, especially since I am sooo close to finishing, but I am so overwhelmed.  I'm not sure if it's actually school that's overwhelming, or if I am just not handling things well due to being pregnant.  Regardless of the reason, I often leave school at the end of the day in tears of frustration.  I have every intention on completing this semester and then re-evaluating my feelings for the next semester.  I have to keep in mind that I am due the beginning of April, and finals are generally in May.  I will need time to recuperate and bond with the baby before returning to class........ I've got awhile to think about that; for now I'm just struggling to get through each day.

 

  Our clinical rotation started today.  This semester I will be going twice a week.  Today I did observation in same day surgery and on Thursday, I will be observing the operating room.  I must admit that I am looking forward to that, although I am nervous about how I will handle it.  I am prone to passing out and have ended up having to leave at least 3 different procedures in the past from being lightheaded.  It doesn't matter what I do to prepare myself, I seem to have no control over it.  I let my instructor know today that I was nervous because of that, but I haven't told them that I'm pregnant yet.  I need to do that, but part of me is still nervous about something going wrong.  Having to "untell" is probably harder than the initial shock of being told that you've lost the baby.

 

  Because I am so nervous, I called my doctor's office today and spoke to the nurse.  I explained to her that I'm not having any signs of complications, but since I've had a miscarriage in the past with no warning signals, I'm extremely nervous and was wondering if I could get my appointment moved up even just a week (since my next appt. isn't for another 3 weeks) and to my surprise, she said that they just had an ultrasound cancel for tomorrow morning.  If I was interested, she'd put me down.  If I was interested???????  Absolutely!!!  I am so excited.  I know that once I'm a little farther along and able to feel the baby moving, I will mellow out some.  I will feel better after tomorrow's appt and then I can relax a little.  I'm just paranoid about every change of symptom or new twinge I feel.  I'm worried that I'm having too much morning sickness, then I'm worried that I'm not having enough!!  I'm driving myself crazy, but it's in the back of my mind 24/7.  I would love to put it out of my mind and just carry about my day like normal, but I seem to have no control over my thought processes.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I've been driving myself crazy for as long as I can remember.

 

  In addition to my nursing course, I'm taking a Juvenile Deliquency class.  It only meets once a week, on Monday evenings, from 6-9.  I'm looking forward to this class.  We'll be looking at the court system and how juvenile's are handled differently.  It's material like this that I can grasp without having to think twice.  That means I'll be able to put most of my focus on my nursing course.  I know that I can complete school and graduate, there's no doubt in my mind.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it at this current moment in my life.

 

  The kids are both doing really well, although homework has continued to be a stressful issue.  It doesn't matter how often we practice spelling, Jace is having a terrible time grasping it.  He has been doing very poorly on his last 2 spelling tests.  I've made him write the words down several times, we have tried spelling them aloud; nothing has seemed to stick.  Any suggestions??????  Dez, on the other hand, has surprised me with her reading ability this year.  She seemed to struggle last year, but has had no problems so far.  She reads to me from her chapter books on a nightly basis........it was even her idea to continue reading over the week-end.  I'm very proud of her, she's come so far.  I'm proud of Jace, too, I would just like to see him do better than he is.  I know he is capable of better.

 

  That's about all I've got for the moment........I will update tomorrow after my ultrasound!