The last week has been crazy!  I have had so much drama from the ex-husband and his wife.  I have been speaking with my attorney again on a regular basis.  He is awesome and has done everything he can to straighten things out.  For the rest of the visitation (which is only 6 more days!!!), the ex and I have agreed to not speak to each other for any reason whatsoever.  We both have caller id on our phones and it has been decided that if for some reason we need to inform the other party of something, we can either call and leave a message or call our attorneys and they will relay the message.  Whatever it takes to not have to deal with him, I'm all for!  They have already called a few times, but I didn't answer the phone and I made it a point to not call them back.  The last thing I need is for them to say that I'm harassing them............soooooo, unless it's an emergency, I've informed my kids that I will speak to them when they get home.  I hate the fact that things have come to this, but I couldn't have handled things continuing the way they were for much longer.  It's really sad to say, but the problem isn't with my ex-husband.  I can actually get along with him and have decent conversations.  It's his wife that doesn't live in this same reality and she is unhappy when things don't go her way.... to the point that she will do whatever it takes to make those around her miserable as well.
  I feel terrible that my kids have to be over there, but it is almost done and then we won't have to worry about this again for quite awhile.  Also, the county fair is in town & my parents have made arrangements to take the kids, so that will also save them from their dad's for a little bit.

  My pregnancy is continuing along uneventfully.  I am still nervous, because I'm not having many symptoms.  I am exhausted and occasionally have an upset stomach, but those are things I was dealing with prior to finding out, so I'm not sure if they're new feelings or not.  I am grateful that I'm not miserable, but I think I would just find comfort in morning sickness or other aches or pains because then I would know that things were still progressing.  I want to be positive, but there is that nagging fear in the back of my mind.  With my 1st miscarriage, I didn't have any signs that anything was wrong---no bleeding, spotting, cramping, etc.  I thought things were smooth sailing right up until our 1st prenatal appointment.  We went in expecting to hear the heartbeat, and instead were told that the baby had died a few weeks prior.  I was told to wait another week so we could recheck and make sure it wasn't just the dates being off, and there was no change.  That's my biggest fear this time around.  I've had no bleeding or spotting or cramping now either, but some pregnancy symptoms would certainly be welcomed!
  I go in for another ultrasound a week from tomorrow.  Provided everything goes well there, I will relax and be happy that I'm not miserable with illness, but until then, I remain uneasy.

My labwork from Friday and Sunday came back and everything looked good. My Hcg levels are increasing appropriately. I also went in for an ultrasound this afternoon. I'm only 5 weeks along, so they weren't able to see much, but he was able to see the sac.......right where it was supposed to be. Yay!! We're already doing better than last time around. My hormone levels were nowhere close to normal last time--this time my numbers are right where they need to me. Same for the ultrasound...last time around, he was unable to locate the pregnancy & determined that it wasn't in the uterus (which is obviously where it needed to be)....but this time............the pregnancy is intrauterine and we all have high hopes. My doctor of course, isn't able to guarantee an uneventful pregnancy, but he is quite optimistic and assured me that things are looking up from where they once were. He said congratulations several times and was willing to take as much time as needed to address all my concerns. I go back in for more labs tomorrow, and they will decide from there when to go in for my next scan.

 In other news, the kids are currently visiting their father. There seem to be less complications this time around....whether that's because things are actually better or whether it's because they're just not telling me as much is another story. Jace called me this evening, just to make sure that I will be picking him up for my visit on Wednesday and Thursday. I let him know that I was looking forward to spending time with him, and of course I would be there. It sounds like Dez won't be coming to see me during this mid-week visit either. It disappoints me, however, I am not willing to force her to come home (unless of course, Will's visitation is over...that's another story). It won't be much longer and they will both be home for the duration of the school year, with the exception of every other week-end. Things are looking up here and life is passing by smoothly............I just hope and pray it continues to go just as well.

I am so full of emotions right now. I almost had a breakdown in the store earlier. I am so excited to be pregnant again, but it is also extremely scary. I am so optimistic and I am planning for the future, but a part of me is still reserved. I'm not ready to handle another loss.  I was bouncing up and down the baby aisles when an overwhelming fear came over me.  I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and decided that I needed to get out of there before I lost control.  I was just so happy, but then looking at all the baby items, thinking about all the possibilities, I had this dreadful worry over me.

 

  I'm so angry!  Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy and excitement, not a time of nothing but stress and worries.  I want to have the same carefree feelings that I had when I was pregnant with my son and my daughter.  It didn't cross my mind at that time that not all pregnancies result in babies.  That realization came to me in September of 2004.  That miscarriage threw me through a loop and I sunk into a deep depression.  I had a difficult time seeing pregnant women, or hearing anyone's joyous news.  It took me quite some time to accept my loss.  Of course, that was the first time I ever had to bury a baby.  I remember everything about the funeral: the location, the weather, the people that attended, the music....I remember everything.  I don't ever want to have to go through an experience like that again.  It knocked me down to a point where I was unsure of whether or not I ever wanted to get up.  I learned to accept my loss and gave in to the belief that everything happens for a reason.

    The loss that Julian and I suffered in February of this year didn't hit me as hard as the previous miscarriage.  I don't know if that's because I wasn't as far along, or if it was because I was expecting the worst, but it didn't take as long to recover.  Julian was reserved immediately when I told him initially anyways (since he knew my last pregnancy had ended in miscarriage) so he didn't allow himself to get excited.

    This time is different!  I have a feeling that everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to.  I find myself saying little prayers all day long; sometimes I'm asking for protection for the baby, sometimes I just need to say "thank you, thank you, thank you", others I just apologize for my wrongdoings.  There's nothing else I can do ~ the rest is out of my control.  Prior to finding out, I had been exercising and dieting.  I quit smoking when we found out we were expecting in February, and regardless of the fact that we lost the baby, I did not start up again.  In fact, I have had only one cigarette since then.  Statistically, my doctor said that I have a great chance of carrying to term. 

    I'm sure it has to do with raging pregnancy hormones (yay!!  you won't hear me complaining about ANY pregnancy symptom.... any sign that all is well will be quite welcomed by me).  I had labs drawn on Friday and went in again today.  I will find out the results tomorrow.  (Since I have a history of miscarriage AND ectopic pregnancy, I am considered high-risk and will be monitored closely.)  They just want to make sure that my hormone levels are rising appropriately.  After the nurse discusses the results with the doctor, she will call me and share them with me and we will set up an appointment for my first scan.  I'm expecting that if my numbers look fine, they will wait until 8 weeks, however it could be as early as 6 weeks.  Whenever they want me there, I'll be there!  I will do whatever it takes to make this as smooth a ride as possible!

 

  Well, it's the 1st of the month already.  That means that the kids have to leave to stay with their dad for another 3 weeks.  After that, I won't have to worry about this again until next summer, although I think the circumstances will be different.  I have a feeling that the ex won't be asking for an extended summer visitation next year.  I ended up calling my lawyer again last night, due to my ex and his wife trying to pull a fast one on me.  At times, I almost think it would be easier if he would just sign away his rights and leave the kids alone permanently.  I realize that that's not exactly realistic and it's probably not in the best interest of the kids; just a little fantasy that I often sit and wonder about.

  The worst part about the whole situation is that I let them (the ex and his wife) get to me.  They have accomplished what they wanted to.  By the end of our conversation, I was bawling, yelling, and swearing.  I should have realized what was going on but didn't catch it until the conversation was over, leaving me near hysterics and leaving him satisfied with the fact that he can still push my buttons.

  I guess the ex and his wife were able to move into a house, so at least when my kids stay this time, they will have an actual bedroom to sleep in.  Their house is a 3 bedroom, so their boys will share a room & my two will share a room.  The kids are not looking forward to going with him this time around.  Will doesn't exactly want to take them either.  Why did he waste so much time, effort, and money to get visitation rights if he doesn't intend on using them?  Oh, that's right....he just wanted a cut in his child support.  (The judge pretty much gave him the months of July and August off from paying child support---since Will will end up having the kids more than 1/2 the month).  So, now that he doesn't have to pay child support, he's decided that it would be fine if the kids stayed home this month.  Last month, they came home several days early and I also had my son almost every day out of the ex's visitation.

  He informed me last night that he wasn't planning on taking the kids.  After all our fighting, his wife calls me back and asks when Will can come and pick up the kids.  I told her not to worry about it and that he didn't need to come over at all.  I'm tired of the entire situation.  I have documented everything from even before this last court ordeal took place, so I have what I need.  I haven't done anything wrong and I feel that things could potentially get worse, so I do what I have to do to cover my back.

  I realize that some of this may seem contradictory; that's another issue I'm having to deal with.  I would absolutely love to keep my kids at home and not have to submit them to all the nonsense that goes on at their dad's.  However, I also feel that the ex SHOULD take responsibility for the kids and enjoy them during his visit.  He has no idea of what it takes to raise the two of them.  He also made the arrangements to have them and he doesn't have to pay child support either.  So why is it that I should just let him slide and keep all the responsibilities while he just lounges around??  It tears me apart having to put my kids in a situation where they don't want to be, but at the same time, I would like everyone involved to see the situation for what it really is.  It was not that long ago that my daughter was convinced that she wanted to reside permanently with her dad.

  The ex accused me yesterday of "living off of him" and that really pissed me off.  I believe it went something like this, "What are you going to do when the kids grow up, Heidie?  You aren't going to be able to live off me forever.  One day, you will need to be an adult and pay for yourself."  REALLY????  IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY THINK???  Pretty damn sure that $400 a month is barely a drop in the bucket when it comes to raising 2 kids!  A friend of mine is paying $400 a month for just ONE child, and he actually has his son more than his ex-wife does. 

  The main reason that I am wanting my kids to go with their dad is because I want him to realize that there's more to raising the kids then he is aware of.  I want him to realize that since he decided to take this to court and have everything in writing, that I'm no longer leaving things up to convenience.  Oh, it's not convenient for you to take the kids for your scheduled visitation????  TOO BAD!!  Having kids isn't about convenience and unfortunately, you don't get to choose when you feel like being a parent.  I've already made plans to keep myself busy during the next three weeks, and no daycare arrangements have been made.

  All I want is for him to open his eyes and realize that there's more to raising the kids than just paying child support.  I want the kids to realize that things could always be worse, and that they don't have it soooo rough at home as they once thought.

  I myself am confused as to what to do.  Part of me wants to keep the kids at home and just let the ex have his way.  Another part of me wants to stand up for myself and make the ex take the responsibility that he just HAD to have.  Regardless of whether the kids stay or go, I'm going to be doubting my decision and I'm sure I'll be feeling guilty regardless.

  Am I doing the wrong thing?  Am I out of my mind for feeling the way that I do?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  5 years after the divorce and this is the 1st time that there have been any visitation guidelines in writing.  I'm just trying to do the right thing.