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May 30 update Nothing new to report on the homefront. Things have been pretty quiet actually. Julian and I took the kids to the movie Over the Hedge on Sunday. The kids and I also made cupcakes and worked on some craft projects. It sounds like the kids will not be having to start visitation until July 1st. (They'll still go every other week-end, but the 3 week in-a-row stretch won't start as soon as I had originally thought).
I am still not quite feeling like myself. Hopefully things will go back to normal soon. May 26 Unhappiness I NEED A BREAK. I feel like my world has turned upside down. My life has become quite chaotic and I find myself fighting with those that I love the most. I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT. I'm tired of hurting and crying and being miserable. Some of the thoughts that run through my head make me question whether or not I am doing the right thing anymore. I am a wreck and may end up disappearing for awhile, then again, maybe I will find the inspiration I need to continue to voice my opinions. As of this moment though, I am a wreck and need to go somewhere and be alone.May 25 I wish you enough I received this in an e-mail from a friend of mine and I wanted to share it with everyone: I WISH YOU ENOUGH! Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough". The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom". They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?". "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?". "I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?" She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following as is she were reciting it from memory. I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. Shen then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. The results are in....... So the results are in and it looks like my child support will be going up slightly. I'm just grateful that it didn't go down. Now the battle is over visitation. I'm having such a struggle with figuring out a schedule. I think we may have come to an agreement, but it's not what I would like. I have been in sort of an "off" mood and just haven't been able to update my space. Quite a bit has been going on and I guess my mind needs time to settle.  Okay! That's it! I have finally lost my mind!!!!! I have been forgetting everything the past week or so. The past several days have been extremely bad, with me misplacing my cell phone. YES, MY CELL PHONE!! Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am addicted to my cell phone and I consider it my life line. I never go anywhere without it (that has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion), and I most certainly NEVER misplace it. I have spent so much time looking for it or running back out to my car, realizing that I left it in the holder. Just this evening, I left my phone OUTSIDE!! I set it down on the steps and I left it there. I had no idea until Julian brought it in. I knew that it was missing AGAIN, but that has become a common thing so I wasn't very worried about it. I figured it was left in another room, or perhaps in my purse. I would not leave it laying around outside! What is happening to me??? Why am I losing my mind? I feel like I am going insane. I've been slacking on the housework and I am far behind on the laundry. I have been doing a great job of going to work though. I've been getting off work at the spa and then going to work at the library. I should have all of my hours caught up by tomorrow afternoon. That means I'll go back to only having to work 2 days a week there. I enjoy working at the spa and business is beginning to pick up. Once people realize that we exist, I think things will speed up even more. It's a really relaxing atmosphere, too.In other news, Spook is a BOY!! We thought that he was a girl this whole time. Well, I had my suspicions, but majority ruled and I thought that I was wrong. Upon further investigation, it has been noted that Spook is a male. I will be calling the vet tomorrow to set up an appointment to fix this problem. What else is going to evolve? May 21 I just don't understand the reasoning behind this! Well, I go to court regarding child support tomorrow. My lawyer and I were also hoping to reach an agreement regarding visitation, however, I see a problem looming overhead. Jace was extremely crabby when he got home and was teary-eyed upon entering the house. He later told me that he had wanted to come home earlier but his "daddy would let him". He also told me that he had asked if he could call me and his dad and step-mom had refused to let him. I later asked Dez if she knew about it and she said that Jace had asked to come home and had also asked to call home and "daddy said no". That really pisses me off! What harm would it have done for my son to call me? If he seriously cares about his kids, he wouldn't force them to spend time with him. They were up extremely late both nights, so Jace was probably also pretty tired. He took a shower when he got home, then crawled into bed and watched t.v., passing out soon after.
I was also extremely upset when I found out that some guy was watching my kids today. Why was ANYONE watching my kids other than their dad???? He is the one fighting for sooo much visitation, yet when he has the kids he doesn't even really have them. That irritates me to no end! Why couldn't my son come home? What the hell is going on??? I have a feeling I'm going to be up all night trying to make sure I have everything prepared for my meeting with my lawyer (prior to court). If this is what Will's visitations are going to be like, then I guess I'd rather go all the way to court and fight him every step of the way. I thought that he was truly interested in seeing his kids. If he's just going to take them and then have someone else watching them......someone I don't even know, someone the kids know very little about.......then I don't really think he should be entitled to see them that often. Maybe then he would appreciate their time together and actually spend it with THEM. I could very easily go on and on about the things that he and his wife do, and how much I can't stand them, but that's not exactly the most appropriate way to handle the situation. I'm better than that, and I also know that everyone has their faults. I'm not a perfect parent, however, my kids come first and foremost & I always try to have their best interests in mind. That's why I have never denied them the priviledge of seeing their dad....because they love him and I feel that if it makes them happy, then I need to suck it up and let them go. Of course, that was before he started wanting them EVERY week-end, back when they were lucky to spend one night a month with him. Okay, okay, okay, I have wasted enough time and energy in one sitting over this. It is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do about it until tomorrow.
I am just hoping that everything goes alright. It will be nice to have it out of the way and behind me, though. I plan on going in to work at the library afterwards, since we will be closed this week-end. Tomorrow evening we will be having a mandatory meeting at the tanning place. Other than the ex-husband issues, things are going great. Julz and I just hung out this week-end. Friday night we ended up going over to one of our friend's houses. Actually, we were there last night, too. The rest of the time was spent at home watching movies. It was a quiet, relaxing week-end. I will be sure to let everyone know how tomorrow goes. May 19 Storybook Land Adventures.... We all went to Storybook Land this afternoon when the kids got out of school. It's Tygen's birthday today and he really wanted Jace to spend the night, but unfortunately, he will be at Will's. They'll be having a birthday party next week-end, so we celebrated today by going to the park. The 4 of us (I know, I know! I can hardly believe that Julz went with!!) met Michelle and her kids at the entrance to the park. We had a really great time, and I was able to take plenty of pictures. Of course, I was still trying to get a decent picture of that beautiful peacock, but I'm beginning t think it's nearly impossible! We'll have plenty of other opportunities and one of these days, I WILL get a great picture!!!
Will showed up to get the kids shortly after we'd gotten home. I was grateful, however, that he came himself inside of sending his wife. I strongly feel that it's HIS visitation, and if he's not gonna be home, then there's no reason for the kids to go over there. I think they may be going fishing this week-end..... Jace took his fishing pole and net along with him. He wanted to take all of his gear, but I told him that if his dad needed more equipment, then maybe his dad should buy it himself. I'm not going out of my way to help him at all. I almost felt like sending them without a bag packed....I figured that if he wants to have them so often, then maybe he should be providing clothes for them. Of course, I ended up sending clothes with them, but I would love to see him start buying things for them.
Sooooo, now they're gone until Sunday evening at 7pm. Not really sure what Julz & I will be doing. He'd like to go out and do something, BUT, I'm a homebody and would rather not go anywhere. I wish he'd just go out with the boys like he usually does on Fridays, but for some odd reason, he's decided that he wants to spend tonight with me. Guess that means I better go and change......I HATE COMPROMISE! I'm trying to talk him into going to a movie....... I can handle that. I'm not too keen on the idea of going to the bar. Sitting there watching him drink is just not appealing to me! Guess, I'm gonna be on my way....I'll update you all later! May 18 .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- Things are going smoothly on the homefront so far. It seems that the ex-husband has retained his own attorney and ha some pretty high demands. He is looking to get joint custody, along with visitation every week-end, an overnight visit during the week, 6 weeks of summer vacation, and he also wants to claim one of the kids every year on his taxes. That's just a start...so far, I have been advised that most judges will start a visitation schedule of every other week-end and 1/2 the summer vacation. Are you kidding me???? I have never been without my kids for an entire 6 weeks! Not only that, he doesn't have the accomodations for my kids! The ex, his wife, and their 2 sons are already cramped in a 2 bedroom apartment!! Do they expect my kids to spend 1/2 their summer sleeping on the floor?? I was livid when I heard that the judge will usually agree to that long of a visit. My lawyer and I are proposing a few adjustments, such as two 3-week visits instead of one 6 week visit. That still seems like an awful long time, but I may not have a choice. The ex is also asking to have the kids every other year on their birthdays. Birthdays have always been MY time. We have made arrangements for their parties and have always been civil and invited the ex and his family. Things were definitely easier when nothing was in writing and it was up to me as to whether or not the kids could go to the ex's. I will be glad that everything will be spelled out, however, it worries me that he MAY possibly be alotted so much time with them. Now that we are in an active debate, things are coming out and being twisted around to try and discredit me. It is very frustrating, but I knew that it was bound to happen sooner or later.....I guess I was just hoping that things would be able to be resolved peacefully. I'm not too worried about any of it, other than the overnight visits and the summer stay. I encourage the kids to see their dad and to spend time with him, but I also think that it should be a reasonable amount..... I guess I should just be grateful that we've been able to go the last 6 years without any regulations or interference so far.
On a lighter note, I started my new job yesterday at the tanning place. It was a pretty quiet day; didn't take much to get acclimated to the new environment. Since they've only been open a short time, business has been kind of slow. I've spent more time processing orders than I have doing anything else. They currently have an ad playing on the radio and a television commercial was just shot yesterday...hopefully after the word gets out, business will pick up.
I have also decided that it's about time I get off my lazy butt and do something. I'm soooo tired of being overweight, yet for the last several years, I've done absolutely nothing about it other than complain. I've decided to shift my focus from getting pregnant to getting in shape. I can always come back and obsess about babies later. At least this way, something good will come out of my obsession. Of course, I wouldn't want to throw myself into anything too rapidly, so I better take the rest of the week and the week-end to enjoy myself! (You know, it wouldn't be me if I didn't procrastinate some!!! {not like I haven't been procrasting all of my life on the weight issue or anything!!! LOL}) SOOOOO, Monday's the day...I'm serious this time....I'm gonna get off my lazy butt and get back to exercising and get back to watching what I eat. I'd like to lose 40 pounds altogether, but my 1st goal is gonna be a mere 10 pounds....gotta start somewhere, right? I need to be realistic or I'm gonna get frustrated, quit, and end up in worse shape than I'm already in.
My kids will be gone this week-end  , they are going to be spending it with their dad. I have an important birthday party I would like them to attend next week-end, and they were at grandma's last week-end, so I guess it's his turn. I wanted to keep them at home since I was out of town last week-end, but I would rather have them next week-end. Once school is out, I should be able to spend more time with them doing fun things......provided that it's during my part of the summer. That still just irks me. Why does summer visitation have to be any different? We live in the same town.....he has other kids....does he really need to take them for so long???? Maybe I'm not being open-minded enough... I'm not even sure how my kids feel about the situation..... 'course I haven't told them what he's proposing yet either. I would like to just wait and fill them in when I know for sure what's going on.May 16 It's nice to be home! Clinicals went well in Yankton. I got down there on Wednesday evening and was home by 8pm Saturday evening. It was nothing like I had expected. They kept us extremely busy and after we left the facility, we continued doing group work and projects at the hotel.
It was nice to be able to go and visit a few friends who moved there last year. I spent a little time each evening visiting and catching up. They'll be coming to Aberdeen over Memorial week-end, so I will be able to see them again soon, which will be nice.
I stopped by Sun Tavern, the new tanning place I will be working at, and picked up my schedule for the next few weeks. I'm only working 3 days a week there, and 2 days a week at the library, so it shouldn't be too bad. I start bright and early tomorrow morning at 7. I'll be done by 1 and then I'll go put in a few hours at the library. This week I have additional hours to work at the library because I was out of town for clinicals last week and wasn't able to put all of my hours in.
Other than that, things have been pretty quiet here. I haven't heard from Will or Kim......wonder what they have up their sleeves next...... May 09 A better day..... I met with an attorney today. He was absolutely wonderful! I have no worries whatsoever anymore. I called Will and gave him the information so from now on, he will be dealing with my lawyer instead of me. Yay!! Things are beginning to look up. Funny how things can turn around so fast.
I will be leaving tomorrow afternoon and will not be returning until Saturday evening. Gotta go out of town to finish my Mental Health clinicals. I'll update everyone when I return........... UPS & downs.........and everything in between I'm officially finished! I have finished my clinical rotation for OB/Peds. I put my last 5 hours in this evening. It was extremely uneventful. There was one mom and one baby TOTAL. In addition to the mom and baby was the staff.....2 nurses, 1 aide, my clinical instructor (also a nurse), and myself. One nurse was sent to help on Peds but that still left us all twiddling our thumbs looking for something to do. Lucky for me, this mom has had many children and was grateful to let the baby go to the nursery so she could rest. (Generally, the moms rarely let the babies out of their sight & then we miss out on oooohing and aaaaaahing over them ourselves) I spent about an hour and a half just holding and rocking the baby. It was great....this baby was almost 24 hours old. He was very cute (as almost all babies are, I know, I know!) but he was also quiet and content.
It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't even HEAR about someone being pregnant and I would burst into tears. I really have come a long way with that. I wasn't heartbroken when I held this baby. I felt at peace with myself for the first time that I noticed. Maybe it's because I have finally come to terms with my losses, or maybe it's because I have to much other stuff on my mind; either way, I was able to hold this baby and be happy....nothing pained my memory........I was just a person holding a baby.......I don't know if that makes any sense to you at all, but it makes perfect sense to me. I really have come a long way!
To quickly update those of you that haven't yet heard, the war is on! Will (the ex-husband, also father of my kids) has finally pushed the wrong buttons and we no longer agree on what is in the best interests of the kids. I received papers on Saturday that started this whirlwind, and things just escalated from there. I called Will and told both him and his wife that since this was the way they wanted to handle things, (not even so much as a heads-up that they were taking me to court) I would feel better if they not see the kids until after speaking to a lawyer.
Saturday came and went fairly uneventful after that. Sunday I awoke to Will calling. His wife got extreme upset and ended up at my apartment, later resulting in the cops being called. No punches were thrown and no one was hurt....it was pretty much just verbal confrontation. Regardless, I needed documentation, and it turns out that the cops had already been called regarding her speeding down our road and into my parking lot.
Will has absolutely NO visitation rights. He's never had any. That was made very clear at the divorce hearing, which he failed to attend. I have always felt that it was extremely important to let the kids spend time with their father. I didn't really care if it was in writing or not, as long as it was written that I had full custody. I've never had any major issues with him up until now. Granted, we haven't always gotten along & I've wondered if I was doing the right thing by sending the kids with him sometimes, but, it's always seemed to weigh out that spending time with him was more beneficial than not. Today I'm not so sure. Since we're going to court soon anyways, he can wait and we'll see what is determined then. I'm sticking to my guns on this one and will be refusing visitation until we get this court thing settled.
I received more papers today. Today's papers were served by an officer and had another court date regarding visitation. Court's a month away so I have some time. I tried getting ahold of an attorney today but my call was never returned. If he doesn't get ahold of me by tomorrow afternoon, I'm calling in my back-up and will just go with a different attorney.
The kids have been very understanding about the situation. They don't really know exactly what's going on, but they do know that I'm going to court with their dad. They also know that I don't want them to go over there until after court. I have made it very clear that it's not because he doesn't want to see them, it's because I don't want him to see them. Neither of them seem very upset; they know it is temporary and that it isn't permanent.
More depressing news---the kids spring program is on Friday, and I will be out of town for my Mental Health clinicals. I'm leaving on Wednesday and won't be back to town until Saturday evening. I hate the crowds, but I have been putting myself in those situations just to make the kids happy....they are so proud of themselves....as they should be!
On a happier note, the kids from Sunday & Wednesday school were in charge of the entire service on Sunday. Dezirae had two solo parts in one of the songs they sang. Jace was even excited to see me there, and he said that he had saved the actions and such for the 2nd service, "just so you can see it". They did soooo well. It was awesome! They did such a good job and Jace is getting a little better about being up in front of audiences. I would go to church more often if the services were more like that! They are signed up for Vacation Bible school already, although it will be awhile before that starts.
Nothing else going on that I can think of other than this upcoming court issue......I'll keep ya posted!
May 05 101 Things About ME!!
That was a LOT harder than I expected it to be!! May 04 jUsT aNoThEr DaY oF mAdNeSsJUST A REMINDER---THIS IS MY SPACE AND I USE IT AS MY VENTING GROUND....I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION:
There seems to be a wide span of ages for pregnant mothers these days. There's been quite a few women in their late 30s to early 40s having babies lately. The mother I took care of today at clinical was 40 and this was her 2nd child, her oldest being 14 months. They started late, according to plan, and feel that this way they will have the most time to dedicate to their kids. Am I crazy for wanting to have given birth to all my babies by the time I'm 30? I have had this idea in my head for a few years now---if I have my last baby before I'm 30, then I will be under 50 when they all graduate (so I guess I could technically wait until I'm 31---32 at the ABSOLUTE latest). Unfortunately for Julian, he's destined to be an "old man" regardless of how long we wait!
At one point in my life, I was content with just Dez and Jace. I had my girl AND my boy---what more could I ask for? I felt that contentment right up until my 3rd pregnancy. Shocked, horrified, amazed....tons of feelings circulated through me. Just as I was getting used to the idea, it was gone. When I went to my prenatal appointment expecting to hear the heartbeat, I instead found out that my baby had died. It was devasting to me. It took me almost a year to pull myself out of the depression I had sunk in to. Not long after coming around from that loss, I found out I was pregnant again. I thought for sure we were safe this time around--I've learned my lesson, I've been punished....what more do U want from me???? Unfortunately, fate had frowned upon me again and I lost this baby too.
Julian is very supportive and has told me that we can try again. He seems very confident that things will happen the way they are supposed to. I try to have faith in the "everything happens for a reason" statement, but when is enough ENOUGH? He believes that we'll have a baby...I hope he's right.
Well, I'm back to normal. LOL! Well, as normal as can be expected for me anyways! Aunt Flo has returned and things are fine. Now comes the decision as to what to do next. I've attempted unsuccessfully several times to intentionally get pregnant. Nothing's every happened except when it's been unplanned. Soooooo, I think that we'll just not try for now. When I try, it seems that all that is on my mind is getting pregnant or babies. Actually, that's overrunning my mind even when we're not trying. Rather than drive myself insane, I'll leave it up to inevitable Fate.
We are not actively trying---no charting, calculating, etc--but at the same time, we are not NOT trying. If everything happens for a reason, and we have no control over whether or not our baby gets to live, then I guess it's out of my hands on whether or not I even get pregnant. That's probably not the appropriate attitude to have, but I'm frustrated and so confused. There are no guarantees in life; nothing I do can change the outcome of a potential pregnancy. I also feel that whatever's going to happen is going to happen regardless, so BRING IT ON! I'm ready for what life has to throw at me.
Statistically, I'm still in the "normal" range for miscarriages and both my regular doctor and my OB/GYN think it's still possible for me to have another baby. Whatever the statistics, I've had my fair share!
Doing clinicals on OB has opened my eyes to many things. I've had the priviledge of being in on several vaginal deliveries as well as 2 C-sections. There have been a few babies lost to fetal demise as well. I realize each pregnancy is different, as well as each person, but I still feel cheated, as I'm sure the rest of the "statistics" do as well. It just amazes me that some people can get pregnant without trying, or even wanting the baby for that matter. There are also those that try forever and never succeed. A great friend of mine constantly reminds me that at least I have 2 kids already. It makes me soooo angry when she says that! I KNOW I HAVE 2 KIDS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!! Does that mean that I deserved to lose 2 babies? I know that that's not how she means it; she's just pointing out the positive. I also know it's a struggle for her, as she's had one miscarriage and has never been able to get pregnant since. I am extremely grateful for my kids....but I feel a deep loss for my angel babies as well.
Everyone has been quite supportive during my losses. Unfortunately, unless you've been through it, it's hard to be consoling. And sometimes, even then, it doesn't matter what anyone says, it's a personal grieving issue. I am done grieving! I have accepted my losses. I just pray every day and every night for things to work out the way they are supposed to. I keep wishing for just one more ray of sunshine.
This was my last 12 hour clinicals rotation on OB today. It was a really long day, due to the fact that we had a light patient load. I also had no extra paperwork to do. At least a few hours can be killed by filling out all the paperwork we usually have to complete. (Thanks to this being a make-up day, I have no paperwork to do---never fell behind on it!) So, I took a few sets of vitals and did minimal charting....hmmmmmmm........yep, I think that about sums up my day.
May 03 ***breathing a sigh of relief*** Finals are officially over and I can safely say that I have passed all my classes. I have a few clinicals yet to do, but the toughest part is behind me now. Tomorrow I will spend the day doing clinicals up on OB....that will finish up that class. I will be spending next week-end at the mental hospital in Yankton and that will be it for that class as well. Sooooooooo, not a whole lot left and I can finally begin my summer! Well, I guess I better go find something constructive to do!
For the rest of the day, I am taking my mind off of school and I am dedicating the day to pure laziness. I plan on doing ABSOLUTELY nothing for the rest of the day. Julian's generally supportive of me taking time for myself and is quite helpful with the housework. (I snapped a few pics of him folding laundry...he doesn't like me taking pictures of him...so, of course, I will be sharing them with you!) The kids will eat at church with my mom, so I guess Julian's on his own for supper. This week-end, I plan on getting the house in order and getting some serious spring cleaning done. I haven't heard anything, so maybe I'll have the kids around to help me out with that. As long as it's not THEIR room you're asking them to clean, they're both great helpers....They actually argue over who gets to vacuum the stairs and who gets to dust!! Now, if only I could get them to be that excited over their rooms! I'd have it made.
It's been pretty gloomy outside lately so we haven't made it to the park. Knowing my luck, it will be nice and sunny out tomorrow, due to the fact that I'll be stuck inside all day.....oh, well....there's always another day.
May 01 AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, RELIEF! One down, one to go....I passed my OB/Peds final today with flying colors. Finished all my paperwork,too, so now all I have to do is get my make-up clinicals done. I will be doing clinicals on Thursday all day and then I will have another 5 hours to make-up and I will be completely finished with that class. The final went sooooo much smoother than I had anticipated. I'm looking forward to all my classes coming to an end. Just wanted to let everyone know: I PASSED!!!!!! |
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