Okay, I'm officially losing it now.  I have felt this coming on for quite some time, but was hoping it would just pass.  I am falling further and further down into a deep depression and it is scaring the hell out of me.  I'm my own worst enemy and I can't do anything to get away from myself.  Things are actually going fairly well, so why am I feeling like this?  I am absolutely miserable and I realize I need to do something to help myself.  Every aspect of my life just seems sooo overwhelming and I am currently living in a state of worry and panic.  School, work, kids, family, friends, this pregnancy..............it's all just too much today.  Normal people can handle so much more than me.........what is my problem????  There's not really ONE thing that's weighing more heavily than the others.....it's just everything.  I'm trying so damn hard, but the harder I try to stay in control, the farther I feel myself slipping.  Where do you turn for help when there's really nothing wrong?  It's just life.... everyone else seems to be managing just fine.  I have a great support system; my kids are well provided for and aren't missing anything; school is frustrating...but that's to be expected.  Where are these feelings stemming from?  Why is every night of sleep filled with horrifying nightmares?  Why do I feel like curling up and bawling all day long?  This isn't normal and it certainly isn't fun for me or anyone who has to deal with me (although I try my best to maintain my composure when I'm around anyone else).

 

  I've had 4 ultrasounds (a 5th scheduled for the 20th) and numerous doctor's appointments.  Everything is going great with the baby's development.  Things are right on track.  At my last appointment, my doctor assured me that he feels quite confident that this pregnancy will result in a live birth.  He also told me to go out and start shopping for this new little one.  I've wanted this pregnancy for sooo long.... why am I having such a hard time accepting the reality that things really are okay this time?  I have told very few people at school about my pregnancy.  Mainly I have just told those who need to know (such as my clinical instructors, as there are certain illnesses and procedures I cannot expose myself to being pregnant.)  A classmate asked me about being pregnant just the other day.  I admitted I was, but then spent the rest of the day wondering if I should have said anything at all.  I guess I'm afraid of having to "untell" again.  Does that make me a horrible person?  I feel like I should be able to announce it to everyone I come in contact with, however, I am soooo scared that something's gonna happen or go wrong, and then I just look like a fool.  When I'm with my friends, I generally wait until they ask something or bring it up before volunteering information.  I almost feel guilty talking about being pregnant.  Will I jinx myself by sitting back relaxing, believing things are going to go alright?  If I show that I'm extremely happy and excited, will the baby be taken away from me again?  Yes, these are crazy thoughts and completely irrational, but they won't leave me alone!  On the few days that I do have the urge to talk about being pregnant, I feel guilty because at least two of my friends are trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant.  I don't want it to seem like I'm rubbing their infertility issues in their face, and I don't want to make anyone feel bad.  At the same time though, I have had my fair share of issues regarding pregnancy and loss.....so isn't it about time I was allowed to be happy???????  I'm between a rock and a hard place.  I'm just patiently waiting for my head to settle and I can live my life without being in such a panicky, worried state.  I'm 1/2way through my pregnancy.  How much farther along do I have to be before I start to feel safe?  Will I ever be able to go into the store and buy something for the baby without having to wonder if I'll actually get to use it this time?  Or am I buying something to just add to my collection in the closet and storage?  A constant reminder of my losses?  I want so badly to be happy.  I want to be excited about this pregnancy.  I want to be making plans for the future............why is this so damn difficult for me?

 

   More than anything, I'd like a break from the chaos going on inside myself.

    School has definitely began to overwhelm me.  My last test score was not what I was expecting.  I am so terrified of failing out of school.  I'd rather just quit than be known as a failure.  I'm not planning on dropping out now or doing anything drastic (don't worry mom!); I am just stressed.  I plan on putting more effort into the next six weeks than I have all semester.  That thought alone also scares me because of the amount of studying I did prior to this last exam.  I often feel like the more I try, the worse I do.  When I don't study much, I tend to pass with a higher grade than anticipated.  I can't just sit back and do nothing, either.  I'd feel guilty for not putting forth any effort.  So, like it or not, I've decided to put all my energy into school from here on out.  I just get frustrated quite easily and the fear of failure is also on my mind.  I don't want to be a failure!!!!!  I don't know what my problem is, but I need to get back on track.

 

   As if school isn't enough, I am back at work in full force, making up for the days I missed when I was sick.  I will be working more than I typically work as well.  That will also only be for the next 6 weeks.  Needless to say, I'm gonna be loving life come December!  I'll have a break in between semesters, and when I come back I will be able to work about half the hours I'm working now.  I'm also taking no nursing classes so there should be a lot less pressure.  I didn't want to worry about missing clinicals when I have the baby, and I'd like to have some maternity leave, so this seemed like the best route to take.  It also doesn't interfere with my graduation, as I am a semester behind due to having mono last year.

 

  The kids have been fairly decent.... we haven't had too many problems arise, just them being typical kids.  Dezirae is becoming quite the young lady and she amazes me some days.  She's pretty excited for Thursday, as she is participating in Jump for Heart at the school.  She enjoys being involved in just about any event.  Her birthday is coming up, too, and we are planning a party at Skate Away.  This should be a nice change from the routine hotel party.  She's growing up sooo fast!  I finished her birthday shopping tonight... now I just to get it all wrapped.

 

  I've been feeling pretty good for over a week now.  It's awesome not to have morning sickness all day long anymore.  I've been eating, and working, and going to school.  Haven't even had to nap during the day!!  It'd be great if this continues.  I think I am beginning to feel the baby move, but it's not really a distinct "kick" so it's hard to tell.  We find out on the 20th what we're expecting.  Less than 2 weeks!  I'm super excited!!  Not only does that mean more shopping, but it also means that I'm halfway done and will be able to meet my little angel soon!  I went for a walk with a friend tonight and at first I was feeling achey and out of shape, but now I'm feeling pretty good.  Too bad it can't stay nice like this for awhile longer.  I can't complain though because usually we have snow on the ground by now.

 

  The only complaint I have is chest pain.  I refused any medications at my last appointment, although my doctor was recommending I start.  I didn't really want to expose the baby to anything other than prenatals, but I'm thinking that as the stress piles on, maybe the doctor was right.  I can't handle the tightness.  Hopefully it will help and my anxiety level will decrease.  For now, I'm just gonna take a deep breath, and take one hour at a time.................

  It amazes me how few of my friends and acquaintances vote.  I don't know why this disturbs me, but it does a great deal.  It takes only a few minutes and yes, it actually can make a difference.  I've been thinking that I should get involved in some sort of volunteer work that concentrates on getting people out to vote.  Maybe it's just because of what's currently on the ballot that's putting these ideas in my head.  Maybe I'm finally growing up.  Regardless of the reason, I think that I should get involved.  If nothing else, it's something for me to concentrate on.  I really am unsure of where this is all stemming from.  I generally hate politics and could care less one way or the other, but right now I feel strongly that I should be getting off my ass and doing something.  (Nice how this occurs to me just hours before the polls CLOSE....but maybe I can get started with some sort of involvement for next year).  Anyways, just needed to vent a little bit for those of you that haven't already had to listen to it for the past several hours.  (Sorry guys, I know I obsess a bit!)